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Well, just to let it be known, this post was coming one way or another- regardless if United or the TSA or someone stole about $1000 worth of stuff from my checked luggage. Outside of that, I thought I’d outline an experience I had with one of their “Airline Attendants”

So, I’m no expert traveller- but I’m not stupid either. I realized as I was going to be leaving Denver and flying home, I had the opportunity to bring an additional bag on the plane with me. Terrific.
I’ll pack all the shit I bought in Colorado in my checked luggage, and bring a sack of dirty laundry in a laundry bag on the plane. Perfect.
So I pick up this laundry bag and load it up. It’s a mess, sure, but who cares. It was small, ugly, and it worked. Who cares, it’s going over my head in a closed compartment.

As I bring it to the back of the plane where I was seating… the airline attendant, god damn I wish I had her name, looks to me… and says…
“My, what a nice bag.”
I looked at her like she was joking- as anyone would at this abysmal excuse for luggage. It was almost a garbage bag, but had a tie ontop- you know- it was a army type laundry bag thing. Come on.
When I look up- she has this… appalled face on her- as if this bag offended her and her flight. Remembering her face right now really musters up the urge I had to rip open the bag and dump dirty laundry on this woman., but being classy as I am, I restrained.

So I look to her and say, “Yea, Thanks.” in a quite sarcastic tone. Clearly this bag isn’t nice or appealing- but it worked. As I stand in my seat, I go to open the overhead bin above me…

This power-hungry, elitist bag criticizing, hideous, likely European born woman SLAMS the overhead bin closed in my face as I try to open it.

“It’s closed for a reason.” She tells me…
“Why would that be?” I said…
“It’s full.” She tells me.

Clearly it wasn’t, but I knew this woman just didn’t like me for some reason. Must have been my bag.

So, I walk up… I don’t know… 4 rows of seats and go to put it in that very open, very empty overhead bin.

This poor excuse for a customer service agent of the airline just had to come over and tell me how I put the bag in wrong, and readjusted it… seemingly just putting her hand on it and tussling it around a bit- effectively doing nothing to it.

I sigh and walk away from this beastly rude woman, and take my seat.

Hoping I don’t have to deal with this woman again… I slip into reading and music. Terrific.

Here comes United’s cart down the aisle, banging into everyones seat, this woman at the helm. Luckily, before she got to me, another attendant asked if I wanted anything to drink. I kicked back on a fine Shiraz to my face, and enjoyed knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with the woman who seemingly hates me.

As the food cart comes by, a good 30 min later, I’m thinking I didn’t eat anything today… maybe some… pretzels or something would work. The woman who hates me makes her way to my chair… I sit up and ask her…

“Do you have any pretzels on there or anything?” A valid question, since this woman just screams out “Salads, Sandwiches… $7 and $9 Dollars.” the entire time…

She reaches down and pulls out the lays equivalent of the fucking Pringles can- I think they are called Stax or something. A whole fucking Pringles can sized thing this woman hands me.

“$4″ she tells me.

I sat there looking at her hand as she held it facing me and looked up at her…

“You don’t have any pretzels, like I asked for? Peanuts? Anything?”

“Nothing is free, sir” She tells me.

“I don’t expect it to be free, I just don’t want that. I want pretzels or something the size a normal person would eat.” I tell her.

She scoffs at me and asks… “Did you think this food was free?” And rolls her cart away, laughing.

Laughing.

At me.

I honestly didn’t even get mad at this. I didn’t know what to think. I still don’t know what to think about this woman besides whoever she is married to has to be a sorry son of a bitch, and likely hates his life on the days she isn’t in the air providing poor customer service, being a bitch, and smelling like an eastern block kitchen.

That all being said, the customer service on the United flight sucked.
After that sucked and I shook it off, I believe some other United employee stole about $1000 worth of shit from my checked luggage.
THANKS UNITED!